Moobies

Doubling up today because of my lack of recent posting.

For the first time in a long time (years,) I haven't seen any of the movies currently playing.
Probably because I've done nothing but work and sleep for the last week.
BUT
I'm still going to review some of the more entertaining looking ones.
(Keep in mind that I have NOT seen any of these films and am forming an opinion based of trailers and my general ability to bullshit.)

Blind Side:
When a homeless teen is taken in by Sandra Bullock's retarded southern cousin, he learns how to love. This movie is full of sports metaphors for sex. This builds to an exciting climax (get it?) in which homeboy cums hard in Sandra Bullocks mouth after winning the Big Game. Jesse James makes a small cameo in the epic blowjob scene, as he can be seen furiously masturbating in the corner. I rate this movie as a must-see, but wait until DVD release so you can turn the volume off.

2012:
Apocalyptic sci-fi thriller 2012 follows John Cusack as he frantically looks for work. After his agent tells him that his career will be over unless he gets at least one major role by 2012, Cusack converts to scientology and adopts some children, eventually checking into rehab hoping to get noticed. As the days pass, the Earth begins deteriorating. The mountains begin to break off and fall into the sea, every volcano on the planet erupts simultaneously, and I rent High Fidelity for the 600th time. This movie will keep you on the edge of your seat.

The Men Who Stare At Goats:
The title says it all. For two hours and 10 minutes, you will see men staring at goats. No dialogue. Skip unless you're into goats...or men.

Planet 51:
An American astronaut travels to planet 51, thinking he is the first one to step foot on the planet's surface. He soon finds out how wrong he is, as he is challenged by the REAL first man to step foot on the planet: The Rock. The two agree to a no holds barred match, falls count anywhere. The winner of the match will be allowed to claim himself as the ultimate ruler of Planet 51. The fight starts out pretty evenly, until The Rock is slid a steel chair by some space-honeys. Two rock bottoms and a people's elbow later, The Rock raises his hand (and eyebrow) as the champion. He then blasts off in homeboy's rocket, leaving him there to train for a rematch. Total tear-jerker of a picture. I squirted a few drops when The Rock delivered the last line of the flick "If you smeeeeeeeeellllll what the ROCK is COOKIN'" 3.5 stars.