Following are the first 15 pages of my newest script, "Concerning Robots" (working title.)
It is a sci-fi, action comedy and is the dirtiest, most ridiculous story I've ever written.
Enjoy.
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Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Concerning Robots: Preview
EXT.STREET.NIGHT
The city is in ruins. An army of robots march down the street dismembering citizens as they try to escape. Buildings are being swallowed by fire. In the distance you can faintly hear a baby cry over the pulse of techno music. A man steps into frame. We slowly pan up to reveal that man as EASTON. He pulls an oil covered wrench from his holster and begins battling an intimidating robot with a series of stylistic jabs. The scene fades into the reality of...
INT.GYM.DAY
EASTON is in the middle of a Jazzercise class, surrounded by middle aged women. He is dressed like Olivia Newton John in the "Let's Get Physical" music video. The routine winds down and EASTON applauds along with the group before picking up his bottled water and sweat towel and heading out on his skateboard.
EXT.STREET.DAY
Title sequence: EASTON skates down the street past some Wisconsin scenery, eventually making it to his house.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA sit on the couch playing PS3. EASTON stumbles in the doorway, grabs a beer from the fridge and stands next to couch. EASTON reaches over both to grabs a handful of tortilla chips, shoving them into his mouth. Chip fragments drop all over the floor.
EASTON
Excuse me Joshua.
JOSH
Sir!
EASTON
(still with mouthful of chips)
I said excuse me.
EASTON takes a seat on the couch, wedging himself in between the couple.
EASTON
I see you got the chips with the señorita on them. Erección.
JOSH
What?
EASTON
One time my mom caught me jerking off to tortilla bag girl. Needless to say, it was awkward for both of us. From that moment on she refused to buy any products with a mascot on their packaging. She didn't even trust me with cartoon animals. Anyway, I'm starving. Class was intense today.
JOSH
What a weird thing you've decided to share with us.
EMMA
There goes my appetite.
EASTON shovels another clump of chips into his mouth semi-successfully.
JOSH
If you're so hungry you should try getting some of the chips into your mouth.
A ROOMBA zips around the corner and starts vacuuming up chip fragments. A startled EASTON jumps up on couch.
EASTON
What the hell is this?
JOSH
Em brought it over for us.
EASTON
Robot scum!
JOSH
Settle down man, it's just a cute little vacuum.
EASTON
It is NOT just a cute little vacuum. It's a scout.
JOSH
Don't fucking do this.
EASTON
The metal menace is using basic Mongol military tactics. Roombas are the first wave, sent in to gather information, make maps of out cities and homes and compute possible allies.
EMMA
I thought it would be a nice thing for you guys.
EASTON
The next step is a full-fledged robot attack.
JOSH
That's ridiculous.
EASTON
You won't think it's so ridiculous when you find yourself enslaved by fascist robot overlords.
JOSH
How did they suddenly become fascist?
EASTON
They're malfunctioning.
JOSH
Whatever.
JOSH and EMMA round up their snacks and head to the kitchen to put them away.
EASTON
Where are you going? You can't leave me alone with this thing!
JOSH
I'm sure you'll be fine.
JOSH and EMMA exit to the kitchen. EASTON stares down the roomba.
EASTON
You better not try anything motherfucker.
ROOMBA
Boop.
ROOMBA begins spinning around rapidly.
ROOMBA
Beep boop beep.
EASTON
Stop doing that.
The ROOMBA stops and pauses slightly before racing towards EASTON.
EASTON
It's on the warpath!
JOSH and EMMA rush into living room. The ROOMBA has stopped a few feet from EASTON and is frantically beeping. Seconds later the ROOMBA explodes. JOSH rushes over to the remains and starts trying to put roomba back together.
EMMA
You broke it!
EASTON
That robot piece of shit tried to kill me. It simultaneously broke all three laws of robotics.
JOSH
What?
EASTON
Law One: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Law Two: A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law. Law Three: A robot must protect its own existence as long as its protection does not conflict with the first or second law.
JOSH
Get the fuck out.
EASTON
It's my house too, you can't put me out on the street. What if there are more psycho machines waiting for me?
JOSH
I don't care if John Wayne Gacy is waiting for you outside, you're not going to stay here and break my stuff.
JOSH pushes EASTON outside.
EASTON
But...
JOSH slams the door in EASTON'S face. EMMA is examining the broken ROOMBA closely.
EMMA
Looks like the brushes got fucked up.
JOSH
What?
EMMA
It must have sucked up more than it could handle, and the brushes got jammed into the wheels so it could only go in circles. Then it probably just got overheated and blew.
JOSH
There's no reason for you to know that.
EMMA
My dad and I used to make battlebots when I was young.
INT.CONVIENENCE STORE. DAY
Store is empty except for EASTON and DOUG, who is working as the clerk and reading the newspaper. EASTON fills his pockets with chocolate chip muffins.
DOUG
You can't keep taking free food, what if my boss finds out? I need this job man.
EASTON
It's been almost a year and your boss hasn't said a thing. Besides, you do the inventory, you can just pretend like these muffins never existed.
DOUG
There are cameras here.
EASTON
Yes, but they're all focused on the people getting gas in case one of them drives off without paying. Muffin theft is obviously not a concern of this company.
DOUG
Your logic concerns me.
EASTON
This is not the issue. Can you believe I got attacked by a robot?
DOUG
It doesn't seem uncommon.
EASTON
What do you mean?
DOUG
Look at today's headline, "Local man crippled by factory robot."
EASTON
Let me see that.
EASTON snatches the newspaper.
EASTON
(reading from paper)
A Menasha man is recovering after being attacked and almost killed at the local factory where he worked. The robot, used for bending steel girders, suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim's head. The man, Jacob Begun, 21, broke four ribs and came close to losing his life.
DOUG
That's some scary shit.
EASTON
Oh god, it's starting. You haven't been keeping up on your training.
DOUG
What are you talking about?
EASTON
You've skipped out on Jazzercise the last few weeks. I got you that free pass and you haven't even gone once.
DOUG
I thought that was a joke, like the time you gave me the Lionel Ritchie album.
EASTON
No, dude. You should be going at least three times a week. It'll help you to prepare.
STREET PUNK walks in.
DOUG
How would jazzercise help me prepare for a robot attack?
EASTON
Let me demonstrate.
STREET PUNK
Can I get a pack of cigarettes?
DOUG completes cigarette transaction. STREET PUNK turns to leave and bumps into EASTON.
STREET PUNK
Watch where you're going with those Urban Outfitters clothes you birdcage motherfucker.
EASTON
You look like someone who would do heroin.
STREET PUNK
Excuse me?
EASTON
What's with those studs?
STREET PUNK
They help me out when I'm fighting little boys like you.
EASTON
How many times do you really get punched in the shoulder?
STREET PUNK
You better shut up man, I wouldn't want to embarrass you in front of your lover.
EASTON
Seriously, you don't have to act all tough, oi oi and all that.
STREET PUNK
Fuck you.
EASTON
Let's punch each other in the face.
EASTON ducks a right hand just in time. He punches STREET PUNK in the stomach, folding him over in pain. Seeing his chance, EASTON thrusts his knee upwards into the STREET PUNK'S mustached face. STREET PUNK is still on his feet but has backed up a few steps to shake himself off. He reaches up to discover his nose is bleeding. EASTON tries throwing a punch, only to have it caught by STREET PUNK'S left hand. STREET PUNK connects with a hard right hand to EASTON'S face, causing him to fly backwards. STREET PUNK winds up for the knockout blow, but EASTON dodges out of the way and STREET PUNK connects with some product. Snack cakes go flying everywhere. EASTON bounds onto STREET PUNK'S back, locking in a strong choke hold. STREET PUNK slowly fades until eventually he is on the ground, unconscious.
DOUG
You just knocked him the fuck out.
EASTON
That was the idea.
DOUG
Where did you learn to fight like that?
EASTON
I told you bro. Jazzercise.
DOUG
Teach me your ways.
EASTON
Grab as many muffins as you can carry and hop on my board. It's time you learn the lessons of Judi Sheppard Missett.
DOUG
Who?
EASTON
The lady who started Jazzercise. Just shut up and get those muffins.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA are playing koosh basketball.
EMMA
I read online that you can use a penny as birth control.
JOSH
A penny? Like, Abraham Lincoln penny?
EMMA
Yeah. One cent.
JOSH
That's not true.
EMMA
Copper is toxic to sperm. What do you think an IUD is?
JOSH
That's totally different.
EMMA
It's copper. Pennies are made of copper.
JOSH
Pennies aren't sterile, you can't just put foreign objects up there.
EMMA
I put your dick up there, and that's not sterile.
JOSH
My dick is so clean. It's like a dog's mouth. You could eat off of my dick.
EMMA
Obviously I would clean the penny.
JOSH
It would never be clean enough.
EMMA
How is a dog's mouth clean?
EASTON and DOUG walk in and head towards EASTON'S room.
JOSH
It would probably hurt me to be bumping into metal every time we fuck.
EMMA
It's not my fault you don't have a metal dick.
EASTON and DOUG exit into EASTON'S room.
JOSH
If you start shoving pennies into your vagina, I'm going to buy a fleshlight.
EMMA
I hope you do, and then I won't have to shove pennies in there.
JOSH
Good. I have one picked out already.
EMMA
That's gross.
JOSH
I'm getting the Riley Steele model...
EMMA
I don't care.
JOSH
with the lotus sleeve...
EMMA
Good for you.
JOSH
and the pearl case.
EMMA
Wow.
JOSH
It's going to be awesome.
INT.BASEMENT.DAY
The room is totally dark.
DOUG
We're not really going to do Jazzercise together, are we?
EASTON
Hand me a muffin and turn on the lights.
EASTON and DOUG stand in the basement, which is set up as headquarters for a counter-robot operation. It's like Will Smith's basement in "I Am Legend" but with half-built robots in the cages instead of zombies. In the middle of the room is a table with a sheet over it.
DOUG
This is new.
EASTON
According to my research, and proven by recent events, a robot uprising is eminent. We don't have much time.
DOUG
Seriously?
EASTON
I'm nothing but serious, sir.
EASTON puts on a lab coat and walks over to an old chalk board that has the Three Laws Of Robotics written on it. He picks up a pointer and clears his throat.
EASTON
I've recently come into contact with a local organization called P.C.T.I.S.O.G.R.S.T.P.H.T. or, People Coming Together In Support Of Global Robot Shutdown To Prevent Hostile Takeover.
DOUG
That's a mouthful.
EASTON
They're doing very fine work. More specifically I've been communicating with their organizer, Steve. He has a perfectly groomed beard. Anyway, Steve gave me some tips on robot resistance that I can pass on to you, but first we need to make you a robot uprising preparedness kit.
EASTON rifles through his things and pulls out a backpack with a screwdriver design stitched into it along with "DOUGGY".
EASTON
I made this for you last night. I even personalized it.
DOUG takes the bag and looks it over before unzipping it.
DOUG
I had no idea you knew how to cross stitch.
EASTON
I have many skills.
EASTON pulls the sheet off the table to reveal a plethora of tools.
EASTON
First off you will need both a phillips head and flathead screwdriver.
DOUG takes the screwdrivers and puts them into his bag.
EASTON
Also going in there is this super-soaker. Be careful, it's loaded with window cleaner.
DOUG
Why would I ever need this?
EASTON
Don't question any of the items, please, for your own safety. When the time comes, everything here will make sense.
DOUG
I'm actually going to use this thing?
EASTON
Why would I give it to you if you weren't going to use it? No questioning the items. I'm not going to repeat that.
DOUG
Sorry.
EASTON
Don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness.
DOUG
Sorry.
EASTON
Here's your wire cutter.
DOUG
This one actually makes sense to me.
EASTON
That's great. No more talking though. I'm wearing a lab coat, that means I know what I'm doing and I'm important. The next item I have for you is this voltmeter.
DOUG takes the voltmeter and shoves it into the bag with the rest of the items.
EASTON
Last, but definitely not least, is this...
EASTON pulls out a giant wrench and hands it to DOUG as if he was presenting a knight with his sword.
EASTON
This is your most important weapon. You're going to use it to bash the metal bastards repeatedly. It's very fun, but serious. I keep an extra wrench on me at all times just in case I get separated from my kit.
DOUG
Now I'm totally prepared to fight off robot agressors?
EASTON
Now you have all the tools, but you still need to develop the skills.
DOUG
What do I need to know?
EASTON
First off, you'll need to know where all the screws are located on all major electronics.
DOUG
How am I going to get close enough to reach the screws?
EASTON
That's where the next skill comes in. You need to learn how to fight, with and without the use of weapons. You cripple the robots, then get to the unscrewing. This is why jazzercise is so important.
DOUG
I'm not going to jazzercise with you. How is this not clear? Can't you just show me all the moves?
EASTON
That's a shame, because I'll have to teach you everything without having the hottest pop music tracks to sync up with.
EASTON picks up a viking helmet from his surroundings and straps it onto DOUG's head.
EASTON
Let's just strap this on you for protection and we'll get started.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA are playing PS3 on the couch.
JOSH
Not cool. You landed right on my head.
EMMA
That's the risk you take when playing against me.
JOSH
I'm not playing against you. This is what I've been trying to explain. We're supposed to be working together shooting those monster people.
EMMA
Then why am I jumping on things?
JOSH
No idea.
EMMA
Why do I have more points than you?
JOSH
Because sometimes life isn't fair.
There is a loud crash from the basement.
EMMA
I think your roommate is breaking things again.
JOSH
He'll settle down.
EMMA
What does he do down there?
JOSH
I don't ask questions. He wears a lab coat sometimes, so I assume it's important.
There is another loud crash from the basement.
EMMA
Maybe you should check on him.
JOSH
Just give him a minute and he'll stop.
EMMA
What if he hurt himself?
JOSH
If you want to go downstairs, be my guest. Personally, I can't handle the smell of oil and ball sweat that assaults my nose every time I go near that door.
A battle screech can be heard from the basement.
EMMA
Now I'm definitely curious. Come on.
EMMA puts down her controller and stands up.
JOSH
Really?
EMMA
Shut up. You weren't going to beat me anyway.
JOSH
Again, we're not playing against each other.
JOSH and EMMA walk cautiously toward the basement door.
EMMA
Maybe they're having really passionate gay sex. I saw a porn once where this fat hairy guy was fucking a tiny boy and it sounded a little like this.
JOSH
Easton's not gay. He seems to have a strange affinity for MILFs. And G-MILFs. And the occasional GG-MILF. The dude has a recent picture of Helen Mirran hanging in his room.
EMMA
Well, something insane is happening down there. Your roommate is murdering his friend.
JOSH
That's ridiculous. They're not barbarians.
JOSH opens the door to reveal DOUG in his viking helmet, raising a giant wrench high over his head and shirtless body. EASTON is standing off to the side, also shirtless, growling and pointing at a demolished George Foreman grill.
The city is in ruins. An army of robots march down the street dismembering citizens as they try to escape. Buildings are being swallowed by fire. In the distance you can faintly hear a baby cry over the pulse of techno music. A man steps into frame. We slowly pan up to reveal that man as EASTON. He pulls an oil covered wrench from his holster and begins battling an intimidating robot with a series of stylistic jabs. The scene fades into the reality of...
INT.GYM.DAY
EASTON is in the middle of a Jazzercise class, surrounded by middle aged women. He is dressed like Olivia Newton John in the "Let's Get Physical" music video. The routine winds down and EASTON applauds along with the group before picking up his bottled water and sweat towel and heading out on his skateboard.
EXT.STREET.DAY
Title sequence: EASTON skates down the street past some Wisconsin scenery, eventually making it to his house.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA sit on the couch playing PS3. EASTON stumbles in the doorway, grabs a beer from the fridge and stands next to couch. EASTON reaches over both to grabs a handful of tortilla chips, shoving them into his mouth. Chip fragments drop all over the floor.
EASTON
Excuse me Joshua.
JOSH
Sir!
EASTON
(still with mouthful of chips)
I said excuse me.
EASTON takes a seat on the couch, wedging himself in between the couple.
EASTON
I see you got the chips with the señorita on them. Erección.
JOSH
What?
EASTON
One time my mom caught me jerking off to tortilla bag girl. Needless to say, it was awkward for both of us. From that moment on she refused to buy any products with a mascot on their packaging. She didn't even trust me with cartoon animals. Anyway, I'm starving. Class was intense today.
JOSH
What a weird thing you've decided to share with us.
EMMA
There goes my appetite.
EASTON shovels another clump of chips into his mouth semi-successfully.
JOSH
If you're so hungry you should try getting some of the chips into your mouth.
A ROOMBA zips around the corner and starts vacuuming up chip fragments. A startled EASTON jumps up on couch.
EASTON
What the hell is this?
JOSH
Em brought it over for us.
EASTON
Robot scum!
JOSH
Settle down man, it's just a cute little vacuum.
EASTON
It is NOT just a cute little vacuum. It's a scout.
JOSH
Don't fucking do this.
EASTON
The metal menace is using basic Mongol military tactics. Roombas are the first wave, sent in to gather information, make maps of out cities and homes and compute possible allies.
EMMA
I thought it would be a nice thing for you guys.
EASTON
The next step is a full-fledged robot attack.
JOSH
That's ridiculous.
EASTON
You won't think it's so ridiculous when you find yourself enslaved by fascist robot overlords.
JOSH
How did they suddenly become fascist?
EASTON
They're malfunctioning.
JOSH
Whatever.
JOSH and EMMA round up their snacks and head to the kitchen to put them away.
EASTON
Where are you going? You can't leave me alone with this thing!
JOSH
I'm sure you'll be fine.
JOSH and EMMA exit to the kitchen. EASTON stares down the roomba.
EASTON
You better not try anything motherfucker.
ROOMBA
Boop.
ROOMBA begins spinning around rapidly.
ROOMBA
Beep boop beep.
EASTON
Stop doing that.
The ROOMBA stops and pauses slightly before racing towards EASTON.
EASTON
It's on the warpath!
JOSH and EMMA rush into living room. The ROOMBA has stopped a few feet from EASTON and is frantically beeping. Seconds later the ROOMBA explodes. JOSH rushes over to the remains and starts trying to put roomba back together.
EMMA
You broke it!
EASTON
That robot piece of shit tried to kill me. It simultaneously broke all three laws of robotics.
JOSH
What?
EASTON
Law One: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Law Two: A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law. Law Three: A robot must protect its own existence as long as its protection does not conflict with the first or second law.
JOSH
Get the fuck out.
EASTON
It's my house too, you can't put me out on the street. What if there are more psycho machines waiting for me?
JOSH
I don't care if John Wayne Gacy is waiting for you outside, you're not going to stay here and break my stuff.
JOSH pushes EASTON outside.
EASTON
But...
JOSH slams the door in EASTON'S face. EMMA is examining the broken ROOMBA closely.
EMMA
Looks like the brushes got fucked up.
JOSH
What?
EMMA
It must have sucked up more than it could handle, and the brushes got jammed into the wheels so it could only go in circles. Then it probably just got overheated and blew.
JOSH
There's no reason for you to know that.
EMMA
My dad and I used to make battlebots when I was young.
INT.CONVIENENCE STORE. DAY
Store is empty except for EASTON and DOUG, who is working as the clerk and reading the newspaper. EASTON fills his pockets with chocolate chip muffins.
DOUG
You can't keep taking free food, what if my boss finds out? I need this job man.
EASTON
It's been almost a year and your boss hasn't said a thing. Besides, you do the inventory, you can just pretend like these muffins never existed.
DOUG
There are cameras here.
EASTON
Yes, but they're all focused on the people getting gas in case one of them drives off without paying. Muffin theft is obviously not a concern of this company.
DOUG
Your logic concerns me.
EASTON
This is not the issue. Can you believe I got attacked by a robot?
DOUG
It doesn't seem uncommon.
EASTON
What do you mean?
DOUG
Look at today's headline, "Local man crippled by factory robot."
EASTON
Let me see that.
EASTON snatches the newspaper.
EASTON
(reading from paper)
A Menasha man is recovering after being attacked and almost killed at the local factory where he worked. The robot, used for bending steel girders, suddenly came to life and grabbed a tight hold of the victim's head. The man, Jacob Begun, 21, broke four ribs and came close to losing his life.
DOUG
That's some scary shit.
EASTON
Oh god, it's starting. You haven't been keeping up on your training.
DOUG
What are you talking about?
EASTON
You've skipped out on Jazzercise the last few weeks. I got you that free pass and you haven't even gone once.
DOUG
I thought that was a joke, like the time you gave me the Lionel Ritchie album.
EASTON
No, dude. You should be going at least three times a week. It'll help you to prepare.
STREET PUNK walks in.
DOUG
How would jazzercise help me prepare for a robot attack?
EASTON
Let me demonstrate.
STREET PUNK
Can I get a pack of cigarettes?
DOUG completes cigarette transaction. STREET PUNK turns to leave and bumps into EASTON.
STREET PUNK
Watch where you're going with those Urban Outfitters clothes you birdcage motherfucker.
EASTON
You look like someone who would do heroin.
STREET PUNK
Excuse me?
EASTON
What's with those studs?
STREET PUNK
They help me out when I'm fighting little boys like you.
EASTON
How many times do you really get punched in the shoulder?
STREET PUNK
You better shut up man, I wouldn't want to embarrass you in front of your lover.
EASTON
Seriously, you don't have to act all tough, oi oi and all that.
STREET PUNK
Fuck you.
EASTON
Let's punch each other in the face.
EASTON ducks a right hand just in time. He punches STREET PUNK in the stomach, folding him over in pain. Seeing his chance, EASTON thrusts his knee upwards into the STREET PUNK'S mustached face. STREET PUNK is still on his feet but has backed up a few steps to shake himself off. He reaches up to discover his nose is bleeding. EASTON tries throwing a punch, only to have it caught by STREET PUNK'S left hand. STREET PUNK connects with a hard right hand to EASTON'S face, causing him to fly backwards. STREET PUNK winds up for the knockout blow, but EASTON dodges out of the way and STREET PUNK connects with some product. Snack cakes go flying everywhere. EASTON bounds onto STREET PUNK'S back, locking in a strong choke hold. STREET PUNK slowly fades until eventually he is on the ground, unconscious.
DOUG
You just knocked him the fuck out.
EASTON
That was the idea.
DOUG
Where did you learn to fight like that?
EASTON
I told you bro. Jazzercise.
DOUG
Teach me your ways.
EASTON
Grab as many muffins as you can carry and hop on my board. It's time you learn the lessons of Judi Sheppard Missett.
DOUG
Who?
EASTON
The lady who started Jazzercise. Just shut up and get those muffins.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA are playing koosh basketball.
EMMA
I read online that you can use a penny as birth control.
JOSH
A penny? Like, Abraham Lincoln penny?
EMMA
Yeah. One cent.
JOSH
That's not true.
EMMA
Copper is toxic to sperm. What do you think an IUD is?
JOSH
That's totally different.
EMMA
It's copper. Pennies are made of copper.
JOSH
Pennies aren't sterile, you can't just put foreign objects up there.
EMMA
I put your dick up there, and that's not sterile.
JOSH
My dick is so clean. It's like a dog's mouth. You could eat off of my dick.
EMMA
Obviously I would clean the penny.
JOSH
It would never be clean enough.
EMMA
How is a dog's mouth clean?
EASTON and DOUG walk in and head towards EASTON'S room.
JOSH
It would probably hurt me to be bumping into metal every time we fuck.
EMMA
It's not my fault you don't have a metal dick.
EASTON and DOUG exit into EASTON'S room.
JOSH
If you start shoving pennies into your vagina, I'm going to buy a fleshlight.
EMMA
I hope you do, and then I won't have to shove pennies in there.
JOSH
Good. I have one picked out already.
EMMA
That's gross.
JOSH
I'm getting the Riley Steele model...
EMMA
I don't care.
JOSH
with the lotus sleeve...
EMMA
Good for you.
JOSH
and the pearl case.
EMMA
Wow.
JOSH
It's going to be awesome.
INT.BASEMENT.DAY
The room is totally dark.
DOUG
We're not really going to do Jazzercise together, are we?
EASTON
Hand me a muffin and turn on the lights.
EASTON and DOUG stand in the basement, which is set up as headquarters for a counter-robot operation. It's like Will Smith's basement in "I Am Legend" but with half-built robots in the cages instead of zombies. In the middle of the room is a table with a sheet over it.
DOUG
This is new.
EASTON
According to my research, and proven by recent events, a robot uprising is eminent. We don't have much time.
DOUG
Seriously?
EASTON
I'm nothing but serious, sir.
EASTON puts on a lab coat and walks over to an old chalk board that has the Three Laws Of Robotics written on it. He picks up a pointer and clears his throat.
EASTON
I've recently come into contact with a local organization called P.C.T.I.S.O.G.R.S.T.P.H.T. or, People Coming Together In Support Of Global Robot Shutdown To Prevent Hostile Takeover.
DOUG
That's a mouthful.
EASTON
They're doing very fine work. More specifically I've been communicating with their organizer, Steve. He has a perfectly groomed beard. Anyway, Steve gave me some tips on robot resistance that I can pass on to you, but first we need to make you a robot uprising preparedness kit.
EASTON rifles through his things and pulls out a backpack with a screwdriver design stitched into it along with "DOUGGY".
EASTON
I made this for you last night. I even personalized it.
DOUG takes the bag and looks it over before unzipping it.
DOUG
I had no idea you knew how to cross stitch.
EASTON
I have many skills.
EASTON pulls the sheet off the table to reveal a plethora of tools.
EASTON
First off you will need both a phillips head and flathead screwdriver.
DOUG takes the screwdrivers and puts them into his bag.
EASTON
Also going in there is this super-soaker. Be careful, it's loaded with window cleaner.
DOUG
Why would I ever need this?
EASTON
Don't question any of the items, please, for your own safety. When the time comes, everything here will make sense.
DOUG
I'm actually going to use this thing?
EASTON
Why would I give it to you if you weren't going to use it? No questioning the items. I'm not going to repeat that.
DOUG
Sorry.
EASTON
Don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness.
DOUG
Sorry.
EASTON
Here's your wire cutter.
DOUG
This one actually makes sense to me.
EASTON
That's great. No more talking though. I'm wearing a lab coat, that means I know what I'm doing and I'm important. The next item I have for you is this voltmeter.
DOUG takes the voltmeter and shoves it into the bag with the rest of the items.
EASTON
Last, but definitely not least, is this...
EASTON pulls out a giant wrench and hands it to DOUG as if he was presenting a knight with his sword.
EASTON
This is your most important weapon. You're going to use it to bash the metal bastards repeatedly. It's very fun, but serious. I keep an extra wrench on me at all times just in case I get separated from my kit.
DOUG
Now I'm totally prepared to fight off robot agressors?
EASTON
Now you have all the tools, but you still need to develop the skills.
DOUG
What do I need to know?
EASTON
First off, you'll need to know where all the screws are located on all major electronics.
DOUG
How am I going to get close enough to reach the screws?
EASTON
That's where the next skill comes in. You need to learn how to fight, with and without the use of weapons. You cripple the robots, then get to the unscrewing. This is why jazzercise is so important.
DOUG
I'm not going to jazzercise with you. How is this not clear? Can't you just show me all the moves?
EASTON
That's a shame, because I'll have to teach you everything without having the hottest pop music tracks to sync up with.
EASTON picks up a viking helmet from his surroundings and straps it onto DOUG's head.
EASTON
Let's just strap this on you for protection and we'll get started.
INT.LIVING ROOM.DAY
JOSH and EMMA are playing PS3 on the couch.
JOSH
Not cool. You landed right on my head.
EMMA
That's the risk you take when playing against me.
JOSH
I'm not playing against you. This is what I've been trying to explain. We're supposed to be working together shooting those monster people.
EMMA
Then why am I jumping on things?
JOSH
No idea.
EMMA
Why do I have more points than you?
JOSH
Because sometimes life isn't fair.
There is a loud crash from the basement.
EMMA
I think your roommate is breaking things again.
JOSH
He'll settle down.
EMMA
What does he do down there?
JOSH
I don't ask questions. He wears a lab coat sometimes, so I assume it's important.
There is another loud crash from the basement.
EMMA
Maybe you should check on him.
JOSH
Just give him a minute and he'll stop.
EMMA
What if he hurt himself?
JOSH
If you want to go downstairs, be my guest. Personally, I can't handle the smell of oil and ball sweat that assaults my nose every time I go near that door.
A battle screech can be heard from the basement.
EMMA
Now I'm definitely curious. Come on.
EMMA puts down her controller and stands up.
JOSH
Really?
EMMA
Shut up. You weren't going to beat me anyway.
JOSH
Again, we're not playing against each other.
JOSH and EMMA walk cautiously toward the basement door.
EMMA
Maybe they're having really passionate gay sex. I saw a porn once where this fat hairy guy was fucking a tiny boy and it sounded a little like this.
JOSH
Easton's not gay. He seems to have a strange affinity for MILFs. And G-MILFs. And the occasional GG-MILF. The dude has a recent picture of Helen Mirran hanging in his room.
EMMA
Well, something insane is happening down there. Your roommate is murdering his friend.
JOSH
That's ridiculous. They're not barbarians.
JOSH opens the door to reveal DOUG in his viking helmet, raising a giant wrench high over his head and shirtless body. EASTON is standing off to the side, also shirtless, growling and pointing at a demolished George Foreman grill.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Lightning Level: An Introduction
"I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just don't care." -Dennis Reynolds.
This was an actual dream I had. I wrote it the way I would tell it as a story if explaining it to a friend, and not the way I would usually write something. Hopefully this helps anyone who feels like interpreting it.
This was an actual dream I had. I wrote it the way I would tell it as a story if explaining it to a friend, and not the way I would usually write something. Hopefully this helps anyone who feels like interpreting it.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Lightning Level: A Short Story
The third floor bathroom of Menasha High School has never looked so big. Billy, Alex and Tony huddle near the door. I have no idea why we've met here, but they seem to have some plans. As they pull on their black hooded sweatshirts the only instruction I'm given is from Billy.
"Watch out for my mom."
The back of Alex's sweatshirt has "Mastr B-8" spray painted on it.
This is a dream.
My friends burst through the doors, and I follow behind. I graduated 4 years ago, there is no reason for me to be in this building. Out of the room where I suffered through freshman year German, the most stereotypical Mexican tough guy steps, followed by a tiny version of himself. It's like those "Homie" figures I used to buy at the bowling alley come to life. The bigger one is named Blue. The fun sized one is Blue Jr. (aka Blu-nior.) He speaks.
"Get off the third floor. It belongs to us."
I make a break for the stairs, not looking back until I hit the first landing, halfway to safety. My companions are in Blue's clutches. Their hoods make them easy to grab, apparently. When I look back I notice a gaping hole in the window. Slowly, I poke my head out. On the blacktop below are three chalk outlines. One of Billy, one of Alex, and one of Tony. Blue has gone back inside the classroom, leaving me alone with Blue Jr.
"For your own good, don't ever come back."
I race down the rest of the stairs. First floor. Study hall. There are about 40 students stuffed into desks made for dolls, feverishly writing. Their pencils are actually giving off smoke. At the head of the class is my college history professor. He looks like Stephen Colbert with a wider face, currently bright red from the pain the tiny desk is inflicting on his testicles. After taking a few hesitant steps in, I'm noticed.
"You're not in this class. GET OUT!" the fun house Colbert screams without even looking up. I'm pretty shocked. Especially since I really thought I was in this class.
"GET OUT NOW!"
This isn't a very inviting place.
While staring down at Blue's handy work, I noticed there was a soccer game going on outside. Maybe I'll go join.
Immediately I'm accepted and given a jersey. Maybe soccer isn't so bad. The first half ends with my team ahead by one goal. I haven't scored. There are two lawn chairs on the sidelines and I get one. Front row seat for the creep show I'm about to witness.
A group of cheerleaders take their positions on the field. My focus shifts back and forth between a sticky-looking overtanned lip gloss user and Pink Lisa. The routine is pretty typical "it's cold in here, there must be some bluejays in the atmosphere" stuff. At first.
Then everything gets all slow motion for a minute.
The squad bends over and pulls up their bloomers tight, exposing the outlines of their baby-holes in a way I've only seen in the most amateur of porns. I'm trying not to get hard in my chair, that would only make me worse at soccer.
The camel toes must have distracted me, since I don't remember playing the second half. All I kept wondering was why I've encountered more cheerleader vagina post-graduation than pre-graduation.
Everyone disperses and I see my Dad has come to pick me up. We're going on a road trip with a couple other people, after a quick stop at Arby's.
This Arby's gives me the hebejeebees. It's not an abnormal set-up, but the cold mechanical vibe of the place makes me feel like I've just stepped into Dr. Kevorkian's van. Except instead of Dr. Kevorkian there are attractive ladies.
I get a small root beer. My Dad is looking at the menu trying to make his decision. My mind is pretty made up, since Arby's doesn't have a lot of vegetarian options. The girl taking our order is my age, and is being very foreword with my Dad. This is weird and gross.
"I want curly fries."
"You can't have curly fries."
"Why?"
"You just can't. Don't ask for curly fries."
This sucks. Curly fries are delicious. Now all the employees have come out to eye up my Dad. I can't be too mad though, since he doesn't seem to be enjoying it. The counter girl reaches into her pocket and slowly draws out a knife. I'm going to write a very scathing comment card. My Dad pulls up his sweater to reveal a holstered blade of his own.
Times like these make me glad I don't remember most of my dreams.
Suddenly I'm in a van with my Dad and six other people careening through the woods. My brain is rattling against my skull and it's hard to stop myself from launching out of my seat. We reach a clearing and are halted by a giant Wonderball. The wonderball was my favorite childhood treat. The hollow chocolate globe splits open and multicolored candy toads explode from inside. The van empties and everyone starts shoveling toads into their gaping maws, except for my Dad and I.
The landscape morphs into a psychedelic haze. The queasy feeling in my stomach was justified. I find my Dad.
"Those things are bad news Dad."
"Don't let them see you not eat."
A Mercedes G-4 Wagen bursts through the woods and rumbles past me. Inside the car are two uniformed Nazis. There seems to be no way out of this clearing, but the Nazis aren't slowing down, so they must know something. Without thinking, I jump onto the back of the car. We run down some trees and come upon a deep lake. Stretching across the lake is a rickety wooden bridge. I hop off the car, my blue eyes might not be enough to keep me off a Nazi hit list. The bridge dips under the weight of the German car, bringing the soldiers under the water. After a few moments, they emerge and continue their trip on the other side of the lake.
My Dad is as sketched out by this path as I am. I don't want to go underwater. Our drugged companions begin marching in a line across the bridge.
"Let's just go through here."
My Dad points to a window hovering in the middle of our forest. He slides it open and gives me the OK sign. I step through and come across another lake, but this one is ankle-deep. The clear water reveals perfectly round white stones shimmering underneath. On the other side of the obstacle is a beautiful field of flowers. With shoes off and pant legs rolled up, my Dad and I stroll pleasantly across.
I'm back in what seems like Menasha High, except it's the Dark Ages. My best friend from high school is here. It feels like we're in a video game. My buddy is talking about something called the Lightning Level. He's heard of some people making it there, but nobody has ever come back, so we decided we would need a high rated weapon and a sack full of stimpaks to survive there. We need to stock up on supplies and engage some enemies to gain some experience points.
I pick up three items from the floor. Mjolnir, an hourglass, and a pink limpy. Discovering mjolnir morphed me into Thor.
We kick open a classroom door, unleashing a stampede of viking schoolchildren. After slaughtering them all we decide that we're finally ready for the Lightning Level. The stairs leading to it and steep, and it takes forever, but I finally find myself standing in front of the door to the Lightning Level. I take a deep breath and slowly turn the knob.
I'm alone. The room is small and stuffy, dimly lit by a bare lightbulb. Flies hover in the air without moving their wings. I can move them around with my hands, but that's all I can do here. Nothing else is in this room. The door is gone. There's no way out.I realize everything I've ever done has been leading up to this nothingness.
Ozay.
"Watch out for my mom."
The back of Alex's sweatshirt has "Mastr B-8" spray painted on it.
This is a dream.
My friends burst through the doors, and I follow behind. I graduated 4 years ago, there is no reason for me to be in this building. Out of the room where I suffered through freshman year German, the most stereotypical Mexican tough guy steps, followed by a tiny version of himself. It's like those "Homie" figures I used to buy at the bowling alley come to life. The bigger one is named Blue. The fun sized one is Blue Jr. (aka Blu-nior.) He speaks.
"Get off the third floor. It belongs to us."
I make a break for the stairs, not looking back until I hit the first landing, halfway to safety. My companions are in Blue's clutches. Their hoods make them easy to grab, apparently. When I look back I notice a gaping hole in the window. Slowly, I poke my head out. On the blacktop below are three chalk outlines. One of Billy, one of Alex, and one of Tony. Blue has gone back inside the classroom, leaving me alone with Blue Jr.
"For your own good, don't ever come back."
I race down the rest of the stairs. First floor. Study hall. There are about 40 students stuffed into desks made for dolls, feverishly writing. Their pencils are actually giving off smoke. At the head of the class is my college history professor. He looks like Stephen Colbert with a wider face, currently bright red from the pain the tiny desk is inflicting on his testicles. After taking a few hesitant steps in, I'm noticed.
"You're not in this class. GET OUT!" the fun house Colbert screams without even looking up. I'm pretty shocked. Especially since I really thought I was in this class.
"GET OUT NOW!"
This isn't a very inviting place.
While staring down at Blue's handy work, I noticed there was a soccer game going on outside. Maybe I'll go join.
Immediately I'm accepted and given a jersey. Maybe soccer isn't so bad. The first half ends with my team ahead by one goal. I haven't scored. There are two lawn chairs on the sidelines and I get one. Front row seat for the creep show I'm about to witness.
A group of cheerleaders take their positions on the field. My focus shifts back and forth between a sticky-looking overtanned lip gloss user and Pink Lisa. The routine is pretty typical "it's cold in here, there must be some bluejays in the atmosphere" stuff. At first.
Then everything gets all slow motion for a minute.
The squad bends over and pulls up their bloomers tight, exposing the outlines of their baby-holes in a way I've only seen in the most amateur of porns. I'm trying not to get hard in my chair, that would only make me worse at soccer.
The camel toes must have distracted me, since I don't remember playing the second half. All I kept wondering was why I've encountered more cheerleader vagina post-graduation than pre-graduation.
Everyone disperses and I see my Dad has come to pick me up. We're going on a road trip with a couple other people, after a quick stop at Arby's.
This Arby's gives me the hebejeebees. It's not an abnormal set-up, but the cold mechanical vibe of the place makes me feel like I've just stepped into Dr. Kevorkian's van. Except instead of Dr. Kevorkian there are attractive ladies.
I get a small root beer. My Dad is looking at the menu trying to make his decision. My mind is pretty made up, since Arby's doesn't have a lot of vegetarian options. The girl taking our order is my age, and is being very foreword with my Dad. This is weird and gross.
"I want curly fries."
"You can't have curly fries."
"Why?"
"You just can't. Don't ask for curly fries."
This sucks. Curly fries are delicious. Now all the employees have come out to eye up my Dad. I can't be too mad though, since he doesn't seem to be enjoying it. The counter girl reaches into her pocket and slowly draws out a knife. I'm going to write a very scathing comment card. My Dad pulls up his sweater to reveal a holstered blade of his own.
Times like these make me glad I don't remember most of my dreams.
Suddenly I'm in a van with my Dad and six other people careening through the woods. My brain is rattling against my skull and it's hard to stop myself from launching out of my seat. We reach a clearing and are halted by a giant Wonderball. The wonderball was my favorite childhood treat. The hollow chocolate globe splits open and multicolored candy toads explode from inside. The van empties and everyone starts shoveling toads into their gaping maws, except for my Dad and I.
The landscape morphs into a psychedelic haze. The queasy feeling in my stomach was justified. I find my Dad.
"Those things are bad news Dad."
"Don't let them see you not eat."
A Mercedes G-4 Wagen bursts through the woods and rumbles past me. Inside the car are two uniformed Nazis. There seems to be no way out of this clearing, but the Nazis aren't slowing down, so they must know something. Without thinking, I jump onto the back of the car. We run down some trees and come upon a deep lake. Stretching across the lake is a rickety wooden bridge. I hop off the car, my blue eyes might not be enough to keep me off a Nazi hit list. The bridge dips under the weight of the German car, bringing the soldiers under the water. After a few moments, they emerge and continue their trip on the other side of the lake.
My Dad is as sketched out by this path as I am. I don't want to go underwater. Our drugged companions begin marching in a line across the bridge.
"Let's just go through here."
My Dad points to a window hovering in the middle of our forest. He slides it open and gives me the OK sign. I step through and come across another lake, but this one is ankle-deep. The clear water reveals perfectly round white stones shimmering underneath. On the other side of the obstacle is a beautiful field of flowers. With shoes off and pant legs rolled up, my Dad and I stroll pleasantly across.
I'm back in what seems like Menasha High, except it's the Dark Ages. My best friend from high school is here. It feels like we're in a video game. My buddy is talking about something called the Lightning Level. He's heard of some people making it there, but nobody has ever come back, so we decided we would need a high rated weapon and a sack full of stimpaks to survive there. We need to stock up on supplies and engage some enemies to gain some experience points.
I pick up three items from the floor. Mjolnir, an hourglass, and a pink limpy. Discovering mjolnir morphed me into Thor.
We kick open a classroom door, unleashing a stampede of viking schoolchildren. After slaughtering them all we decide that we're finally ready for the Lightning Level. The stairs leading to it and steep, and it takes forever, but I finally find myself standing in front of the door to the Lightning Level. I take a deep breath and slowly turn the knob.
I'm alone. The room is small and stuffy, dimly lit by a bare lightbulb. Flies hover in the air without moving their wings. I can move them around with my hands, but that's all I can do here. Nothing else is in this room. The door is gone. There's no way out.I realize everything I've ever done has been leading up to this nothingness.
Ozay.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Things I Love:
(an ongoing list)
Phish
New Jersey Devils
Riley Steele
Daredevil
Animals
Kevin Smith
Sleeping
Phish
New Jersey Devils
Riley Steele
Daredevil
Animals
Kevin Smith
Sleeping
Monday, July 26, 2010
Oh, Man
I'm super bummed right now, but don't want to emo-blog. So heres a really dirty convo I subjected my friend to tonight on fb chat.
Me:
i have a new crush. finally admittng this now that i found out she's legal.
it's the chick who plays stephanie on lazy town.
Ruth:
haha
shes legal now?
Me:
she's 19 and i'm going to fucking iceland, or wherever they made that show because i've always wanted to fuck a children's programming star in another country
Ruth:
this is your goal?
Me:
not really. but she's pretty hot
Ruth:
so do it
Me:
"hey, i'm 21 and live at my mom's house in small town wisconsin. i listen to the lil jon remix of your song all the time. wanna fuck? (attach picture of dick)"
Ruth:
shed go for it. if shes classy.
Me:
i'd videotape that shit. because none of my friends would believe otherwise. and once a year i'd have viewing parties of it. in HD. and the whole time i'm fucking her i'd be like "grab that shit it's yours bitch" and she's like "god damn it, i hate that video"
Me:
i have a new crush. finally admittng this now that i found out she's legal.
it's the chick who plays stephanie on lazy town.
Ruth:
haha
shes legal now?
Me:
she's 19 and i'm going to fucking iceland, or wherever they made that show because i've always wanted to fuck a children's programming star in another country
Ruth:
this is your goal?
Me:
not really. but she's pretty hot
Ruth:
so do it
Me:
"hey, i'm 21 and live at my mom's house in small town wisconsin. i listen to the lil jon remix of your song all the time. wanna fuck? (attach picture of dick)"
Ruth:
shed go for it. if shes classy.
Me:
i'd videotape that shit. because none of my friends would believe otherwise. and once a year i'd have viewing parties of it. in HD. and the whole time i'm fucking her i'd be like "grab that shit it's yours bitch" and she's like "god damn it, i hate that video"
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Turned 21, NBD
My birthday was last week.
To rank it as memorable birthdays I'd say
1) 18th
2) 19th
3) 21st
Went to a show at the Patty Mayonnaise. I thought it was going to be awkward, so I got weirdly drunk on vodka within the first 15 minutes I was there. Eventually, I had to piss. That's when I took this pic.
The guy's little speach bubble says "Happy Birthday to me." When I read that, my mind fucking EXPLODED.
To rank it as memorable birthdays I'd say
1) 18th
2) 19th
3) 21st
Went to a show at the Patty Mayonnaise. I thought it was going to be awkward, so I got weirdly drunk on vodka within the first 15 minutes I was there. Eventually, I had to piss. That's when I took this pic.
The guy's little speach bubble says "Happy Birthday to me." When I read that, my mind fucking EXPLODED.
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